Another tough night

I met this amazing girl over a year ago.  She cared and liked me as much as I liked her.  We had a great thing going for a while.  Problem is my past caught up to me.  I don’t like bringing up the past but when it hurts me so much everyday, it is hard to not.  I have been hurt so many times before and I couldn’t afford to be hurt again.  My heart just can’t take it.  So after we started dating, I got scared.  What if she hurts me as much as the last one did?  So I started doubting myself and doubting our relationship.  Before it got too serious, I talked to her and said we couldn’t date anymore because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.  You see, I liked her and wanted to be with her, but what if that changed and I liked her too much and she hurt me?  At the same time she got out of a relationship the worst way possible.  She was hurt too and had her own insecurities.  Truth is, I also didn’t want to hurt her.  So we were on and off for almost a year. Hey, I admit, I wasn’t the best boyfriend in the world with her.  I didn’t treat her the best way possible.  On the other hand, I wasn’t a monster.  Sure I yelled a few times and got mad over little things, but if you knew what I went through before, you’d understand my mood swings.

I’m not trying to make excuses here; I’m just trying to show my side.  But anyways, we were on and off for a while.  And as much as she won’t admit, we had some great times together too.  After a few mistakes I made, nothing too serious, we decided not to talk for a while and see what happens.  Of course that didn’t last too long because we liked each other a lot.  So we restarted talking again.  We both knew, however, that we couldn’t keep on doing this forever: it was either break off or fix everything.  One night I texted her “what are you doing tonight?”  And she quickly answered “nothing.”  I wanted to make things right.  So I asked her to hang out.  She said she had friends over.  I got upset because if you wanted to work things out, or even end it, you’d talk to me.  Well anyways, I was on my way home from a nice movie with some buds, and called her.  She didn’t answer and said she’d call me later.  What most people don’t understand here is that when you like someone so much and they say “later” that kills you.  Anxiety became a huge problem by then.  I freak out because all I wanted was to talk to her.  I texted her over and over again.

Since she wouldn’t answer I had a brilliant idea of driving to her apartment and wait there to talk to her.  So when I got there, I texted her “Hey I’m outside your apartment, come down here and talk to me for FIVE minutes.”  She read the text and didn’t answer it.  Once again that didn’t help the anxiety attack.  Of course it just made it worst.  So I did what any desperate person would do on desperate times: waited in my car, texted her a million times and called her a million times too.  All I wanted was to talk to her for a few minutes and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.  Now I get her side.  I made mistakes and she was sick of it.  She was getting hurt too.  She didn’t want to talk to me anymore.  But one thing she never understood is that I’m not just random guy she met the week before.  We were at this for almost a year.  I had the right to be there and I had the right to be spoken to.  Even if she didn’t want anything to do with me.  We were at this for over a year!

That night was a tough night.  After she rejected talking to me and after I stayed there waiting for her for over two hours, her roommate came down and said she’d call the police if I didn’t leave.  That got me so angry.  Are you serious???  The police?  I mean I get that I texted her and called her a million times, but the police?  Is that really necessary?  So shortly after I said I wouldn’t leave until she came down to talk to me or just answered her phone, I sat in my car and finally thought “is this really worth it?”  So I backed up and left.

The police came.  Oh yes they called the police.  The police called me and I didn’t answer.  At this time I was going to a friend’s house to see if I could calm down.  I texted her “I’m really sorry, all I wanted to do was talk to you.”  She followed it with a text saying, “Wanna call back and give the police your side of the story?”  This upsets me today still.  It makes me angry.  But whatever.  I called back and gave my story.  The police made her file a complaint on me.  Told me I couldn’t talk to her again or I’d get in trouble.  And that’s that.  Not that big of a deal.

The worst thing about the whole situation was the fact that all I wanted to do was talk.  Like seriously, she needed to face her problems and stop hiding away from everything.  I get that she didn’t want to talk to me, but it was something so simple.  It could have ended everything so fast.  So for a few days, I couldn’t talk to her or contact her.  My heart felt broken again.  Her friends called me psycho.  Called me crazy.  Called me names and even threated me.  They made me feel so bad about myself.

For a few days, I tried understanding it.  Am I really crazy?  Just a psycho ex? So I went to search for a few answers.  I talked to my friends and got their opinion.  At the same time I talked to a few of her friends and got their opinion.  What surprised me the most wasn’t that my friends were on my side because they are my friends.  What really surprised me was that her friends were on my side.  Everyone said that they were out of line and dramatic. Regardless of what anyone said, I was still hurt and mostly because all I wanted to do was talk to her and apologize. I couldn’t. She wouldn’t let me.

Eventually she finally texted me and let me talk to her.  Well actually she let me text her.  I didn’t think that was fair.  It doesn’t matter what I say in a text it won’t ever be the same as talking to someone.  But she wouldn’t let me call.  So I texted her everything I needed.  I apologized for my mistakes but also made it clear that it wasn’t just me.  I told her how much I like her and wanted to make things right.  She, of course, wouldn’t listen to me and told me we couldn’t talk for now.

That was that.  No more texting.  I thought I would be okay and much better after texting her.  Truth is I will never be okay until the day she lets me talk to her like grown-ups.  Everyday since then was a hard day.  I miss her every single day because we used to talk everyday.  I kept on trying but nothing would work.  She was “done.”  It’s sad she won’t hear what I have to say.  It’s sad I have lost self-respect over someone that doesn’t care.  And that sucks.

Self-respect is the most important thing one has.  My dad always told me that and I understand, but with her, I can’t stop making that mistake.  I seem to not care about it.  All I want to do is talk to her. 

After a while, my birthday came.  She didn’t even text me “happy birthday.”  Nothing. 

It is important to note that her close friend is also my roommate.  Guy said he was my “friend.”  In my opinion, if you are in a situation like this, in between everything, you try to help both sides.  Now you tell me how have you helped me this time?  You can be as dramatic as you want.  You can say because of my past I have been struggling lately and I need help.  You can say I have mood swings and you are sick of it.  I get it man.  I had a tough year.  Are there things I need to work on?  Absolutely.  Is it as bad as you keep on saying?  I don’t know.  That’s more up to you.  Did I bring this on myself?  No.  In fact, that’s the worst thing a “friend” can possibly say.  If you are my friend and I’m not being a good friend, then help me.  Don’t just say I need help.  Okay I get that.  Help me get help and be patient.  You have your problems and I never criticized you for them.  I guess that’s what separates us.

Anyways, it was my birthday and all I wanted was to talk to her.  My roommate said he would try to get her to talk to me but she wouldn’t do it.  Finally he told me I could leave her a voice mail… Okay fine.  I left her a voice mail.  It is still not the same as talking but I guess it is better than nothing.  I left her a voice mail but I still felt like I needed to do something else since I couldn’t talk to her.  What other brilliant idea did I have?  I sent her flowers.  BUT I sent it to her house and not her apartment.  Listen, I know maybe her parents would get it instead of her, but if I sent her flowers to her apartment she wouldn’t take them.  Her friends would probably throw it away.  So I thought by sending to her house it was the best idea.

I sent her flowers and that was not a good idea.  Her friends yelled at me and told me to leave her alone.

Do you guys understand my side?  As much as I like her, she is being very selfish.  They say I’m being selfish for not respecting her and not respecting the fact she doesn’t want to talk to me.  But I don’t think I’m being selfish.  I understand she doesn’t want anything to do with me.  But talking about it and letting me move on, that’s not selfish of me.  At least I don’t think so…

So things got a lot better and I stopped talking to her for a few days.  There isn’t a point on texting her if she won’t even listen.  So this time I actually let it alone.

Everything was okay until last night.  I went out with a few friends and when I got back, my roommate was sleeping on the couch because we are in the process of moving.  I wanted to go out by the porch and didn’t want to wake him up so I tried getting in his room so I could cut through his room and get to the porch, so I wouldn’t wake him up.  His door was locked and I thought that was odd.  So when I got to the porch I wondered why the door was locked.  I had a feeling in my heart she would be there.  I opened his bedroom porch door and sure enough.  She was there sleeping by herself.  After everything I went through I had my chance to talk to her.  I came in and we started talking for a little bit.

Of course, my roommate woke up and freaked out.  We got into a little fight because I wouldn’t leave his room.  ALL I WANTED WAS TO TALK TO HER and that was finally happening until that guy stopped it.

After that they both left and he texted me saying he isn’t my friend anymore and I brought that on myself. Blah blah blah.

What I still worry every single day is about her. 

When it came down to drop our egos and put everything to the side, she wouldn’t do it.  She still hides away from her problems and refuses to talk to me.  But when I saw her last night I saw on those eyes that she still cares.

So hey, if you are reading this, remember that I’m not asking for another chance right now.  I’m not asking you to take me back. All I’m asking is for you to put your friends to the side for a second.  Don’t be scared of talking to me.  Let me talk to you.  Let me do what I need to do to move on.  I’m not asking for much.  All I’m asking is for you to talk to me for a few minutes.  That’s all I ever wanted.  Thank you.

Let's talk

I was asked today to describe myself.  Who are you? Tell me about you.  I want to know exactly what kind of person you are.  And I thought about it for a while… I mean what does this person really want to hear?  The truth?  Or should I say what I know they want to hear?

Oh Yeah, you know, I’m a great guy.  I’m very considerable and caring.  I’m sweet and smart.  I’m good-looking and just amazing.  I want to hear about all your problems and I want to help you find a solution.  Sit down, let’s talk!

No. Truth is, I’m an asshole, man.  I don’t give a shit about your problems, because guess what?  We all have problems.  Sure I’ll sit down and listen to you talk, but if you want my opinion and my help, you’ll get the truth.  None of that lying crap.  I’m the type of guy that if a girl asks me “Do I look fat in this dress?” and she does, I’ll say, “Yes.”  I’m sorry, but if you’re asking my feedback, I’ll give it to you.  And if that makes me a bad person, so be it.  But I’m honest.

I’m a man.  I do care and do take things into consideration.  I can be sweet and smart.  Oh and by the way, I’m not good-looking. I’m fucking excellent looking.  See that confidence?  Yeah I got that too.  Some people mistakenly think I’m cocky.  No I’m not.  If I’m not good at something I’ll straight up say it.  But if I am, I’ll brag about it.  I will make sure you know I’m great.

I’m just another person with a fucked up past.  What a funny thing.  The past.  It’s supposed to stay in the past, they say.  You’re supposed to live for today and leave the past behind.  Well, you fucking try it.  My past hunts me everyday.  I’m not ashamed of it.  I’m not being a victim here.  I’m just being honest.

Yeah I have anger issues sometimes.  I do overthink.  I do get attached to people too easily.  So fucking what?!  I’m a normal person, aren’t I?  If anything, I’m a better person than most people.  You see, most people wouldn’t be alive if they had a past like mine.  They wouldn’t be able to function.  They wouldn’t be where I am in life.

But sure that sucks.  Do you know how many friendships and relationships I ruined because of my “temper?”  Do you know how many people I hurt with my honest comments?  Yeah I get it.  Sometimes things should never be said.  But when the moment comes, and the heart is beating, and your face is heating, you just spit it out.  You don’t think about consequences.  Who you hurt, or what you say isn’t in your mind.  You know why?  Because you’re a human.  I am competitive and I want to win every single argument.  Even when I know I can’t.  Even when I know I’m not right.  Oh and by the way, I’m always right.

I judge people all the time.  What is she wearing?  Why is his hair so messed up? God, you’re so ugly.  Yeah I do.  I’m not lying.  I’m a human.  We all judge.  And if you say you don’t, I call BULLSHIT on that one. Yes you do.  You know you do.  We all do.

What I’m asking for?  That’s simple.  I want someone to help me be better.  Of course sometimes it hurts me being so “mean” to other people.  I can’t help it.  You wouldn’t get it.  I want someone to tell me I’m right, even when they know I’m not.  You got my back?  Good because I got yours.  Feed my confidence bubble.  I need it.  Tell me how good I look and how good I am.  Give me hugs.  Understand that sometimes when I say I’m okay, I’m really not. (Oh and if you’re reading this thinking that only girls do that, shut up.  Guys are the same way)

Understand that I have had my problems in life.  I don’t mean any harm to you.  Even when I say horrible things.  When I apologize, I mean it.  If I don’t, then I don’t think I should be saying sorry. 

Yes, yes, I get it.  Everything isn’t about me.  But sometimes I like to think that everything is about me.  Give me that once in a while.  I’m needy.  You know that. 

But I can be the sweetest person in the world too.  I have a feeling in my heart sometimes, that I need to tell you about.  It makes me so happy when I tell someone they look good.  I t makes my heart bounce so fast when I give compliments and make someone’s day!  It’s awesome!  I love giving things to people.  You are in need? Ask me. I got your back. You got mine.

But don’t try to take advantage of me.  I can smell bullshit from a mile away.

I know when you’re lying.

See there are a lot of things I could say to that question.  Who am I?  Every single day I learn more.  I learn what I want in life and who can help me throughout this amazing journey.  I learn what people like.  And most importantly, everyday I learn that everyone has a secret.  Everyone has something they are ashamed of.  Everyone went through bad times.  And that helps me.  Helps me understand that I’m not alone out here.

So that’s that.  This is who I am.  The whole truth so far. This is my life.  Any takers?

Just a dream

His eyes were itchy, his mouth watering, and his body was relaxed.  He was losing the grip on reality. His mind was wondering. There was no focus.  Nothing to make him stay here.  He knew he had to go.  He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay. He had things to do.  Things to say. Be he just couldn’t do it.  It was that time.  Time to go.

And all of the sudden he sees her. She’s reaching for him.  Trying to grab his hands, but there isn’t enough time, and she being pulled away.  Pulled away by a force that is stronger than anything he ever felt.  Something new.  And he couldn’t do anything about it.  As she’s leaving he starts thinking about her.  Thinking about their time together.  He goes back to the first day they met.  He still remembers it like it was yesterday.  The day was bright and the sun was just about to go away.  It was a hot summer day.  He needed to get out.  He was done with everything.  He just needed to get away.  He went to the park.  The bench was facing the ocean.  He sat there.  Put his head down and started to think.  He looked up and saw the birds flying.  He started to think about it.  How do they fly?  Why is it that they can and we can’t?  He started to swing his arms up and down like he had a wing.  Started to make the bird noises.  But he couldn’t fly. So he sat down again.  Back to the same bench as before.  He relaxed his legs and put his arms on top of his head and as he looked up to the sky he saw her on the corner of his eyes.  He remembers it very well.  She was by herself.  Short jeans shorts. A long blue/grey shirt that covered her shorts almost fully.  And of course the pink sandals.  But what made his heart really smile was the way she looked at him.  Her strawberry blonde hair moving along with the wind like the angels were playing the song of the heavens.  Her blue/grey eyes matched her beautiful pale face.  And those lips… it was hell on earth.  He just looked.  Stared.  Didn’t even move a muscle.  His heart skipped a beat.  Literally everything stopped.  The worse part is that he didn’t notice he was staring.  For being a girl, she was kind of nice.  Most girls would have had done that disgusted face and walked away.  Maybe even call him a creep.  But not her.  She was different.  She wasn’t like any other girl you see everyday.  She had a warm heart and an inviting personality.  Instead, she smiled. She smiled and waited for him to make a move.  So he did.  He got up and smiled back.  He knew he had to introduce himself.  Let her know that he was interested.  As he was introducing himself, a strong wind blew.  The wind got even harder by the second, and as he was making his moves, the wind started to take her away.  She floated through the ocean and left him. He doesn’t quite remember that part so well.  He felt to his knees and started to cry.   By that time it was dark.  Real dark.  The moon didn’t come out that night.  Everything was dark.  No light. Nothing at all.   

So he went home.  He took his car and drove home. No music. No radio.  Nothing.  He just wanted to leave.  He had that feeling of leaving since a long time.  Most people told him he shouldn’t feel that way.  He had a great family and great friends.  Why feel that way?  He had everything he wanted there, they said.  He did have some money, a job, friends, school, a house and a loving family.  But his heart was truly empty.  He knew that he would have to leave eventually.  He needed to find that girl again.  He knew he would never be completed without her.

He didn’t know how to start, or where to go.  After all, he was just a regular guy.  He went to a nice high school and got regular grades.  He never was outstanding and never was better than anyone else.  He was always average. And that was okay.  No one complained about it.  But inside, he knew, he could be better than average.  He didn’t want people telling him he could be better.  He was sick of people telling him what to do, or what he could do.  He wanted to be by himself.  Learn by himself.  He always had dreams, but never really tried to achieve them.  Nothing really made him get up and do it.  And that was okay.

Not this time.  He didn’t want to put this dream to the side.  He knew that finding her was the only way to start his life and complete other goals.  He was driving home still, right by the beach, and he decided to go.  So he went and he left.  He went away from everything and everyone.  Yeah he felt bad for his family and friends, but it’s something he had to do for himself.  Not anybody else.  So he followed his heart and drove away to the south.  He had no clue where she was, or where he could find her.  But he knew that she had to eventually come back to him.  She was the one.  The one of his dreams.  So he drove.  He drove far.  Drove until he had to stop.  He had to sleep. So he stopped at a parking lot. Lowered his car seats. And fell asleep.  He fell asleep with a smile, because he knew what was coming to him.  She finally came.  This time, she just appeared.  She was wearing a red dress that made her skin whiter.  He liked that.  He liked it because it went so well with her hair.  It matched her.  Her lips were the same.  Red hot.  Waiting for him to join her.  She reached for his hand.  And he went along.  He was set to have the best time of his life.

            He finally grabbed her hand. He wanted to go with her. He wanted to be with her.  She was the inspiration he needed.  They walked away.  Walked to a near beach.  They sat down by the sand and relaxed a little.  He was telling her about him.  He told her everything about him and asked questions about her.  She responded and smiled.  They were having a great time.  They enjoyed being with each other.  They completed each other’s empty spots on their hearts.  None of them could believe it.  It had finally happened.  After such a long wait.  They were united and happy.  So it came the time to stand up.  Stand up and kiss.  The final stamp to their love.  Something to finally seal it.  Something that would make them walk away together forever.  He knew that with that kiss, he was starting his life.  He would be able to follow his dreams.  Be successful.  Be superior.  Finally standout in front of everybody.  They understood that.  So they got up.  He held her hand tight.  They looked at each other.  The sand was moving along with the waves.  The birds were still flying around.  The stars were bright.  And the moon finally came out.  Big and bright.  That was it.  That was the moment they were waiting for.  Face to face.  They were ready for it.  So he looked at her, and she looked at him.  They both smiled.  They got closer and closer.  Every second seemed to go by slower and slower.  His heart was jumping around.  It couldn’t contain itself.  It was like it was reaching for its match too.  After all, they finally could complete the rest of the heart.  He was ready to burn from those hot lips.  He wanted that more than anything.  Her lips were next to his, and they were about to kiss.  It’s like time stopped. And just like that the girl went away.  Just like that.  Poof.  She was gone.

            At the same time, he woke up.  He woke up from his dreams.  He realized nothing was real, nothing but one thing: the girl.  He didn’t know anything about her.  Didn’t know where she was from.  Maybe a mile away, maybe over a thousand.  But he knew she existed.  He knew that everything happened for a reason.  So for him, just dreaming about her was enough.  It was enough to make him want to dream again.  It was enough to make him be more than just average.  He now wanted to be better.  He wanted to win and shine.  Because it didn’t matter what happened in life from that moment on, he knew, that she was real.  And eventually he would find her.  But for now, she was nothing but a dream.

A question with no answer

What should we talk about today? anyone?  come on.  anything.  just scream out words i don't care.  No no.  Not inappropriate things. it's too early for that.  No.  Not my family either. Love? okay love.  What is love anyways?  With so many people reading this, from many different places and so many different ages, am i even allowed to answer this? am I old enough?  too young?  Truth is, "what is love" is a question with no answer.  It changes from person to person.  It may have different forms too.  But i will try to  give my definition of love:

First I'd like to say that at least in my world, love has different forms.

Because of that, I can't agree with people that don't know what love is or what it feels like.  You have parents don't you? Even if you don't you always had something that you loved when you were a kid.  I don't know. A Tv show, or a toy, or food.  Point is, that love isn't something new to me and to most people. It's the form of love that changes.  For example, I love my family.  I love them.  At the same time, my heart doesn't jump every time I see them.  I'm not super excited every time I get to see them.  But I love them anyways.  Hmmm.  It doesn't feel any different.  Weird.  So that makes me question things.  Do I really love my family and "love" is just a normal feeling? When I find someone to "love" will that feeling go away?  Or are those different forms of love? I believe so.

Another form of love is what most of us really call "love." "I love you." "I love her." What does that really mean?  Like I said, I can't define "love," and I don't think anyone can.  But I THINK I was in love.  This time, my heart did jump every single time i saw her. It's like it created a face and started to smile.  It created legs and started to jump.  I can try to explain it in many ways, but the point is, I was really happy every time.  The smallest things made me smile.  Everything was great, and if something bad happened, hey that is okay because I had her.  Love songs finally made sense, and so did life.  I was living my life and everything was just.. right.  She seemed more beautiful every day.  We seemed  more perfect every second we spent together.  Just great.  Absolutely great.

But that also made me question things.  First, that "love" felt way different than the first "love." Why? Second, we aren't together anymore.  But my life is still alright.  Love songs still make sense.  Was I really in "love?"  And most importantly, is there a difference between "loving" and "being in love?"

The way I see it, that's what life is all about.  It's not about making money and having things - obviously it is great to have money and things - but about answering questions and understanding our behaviors.  Why do we do things the way we do?  Why do we think the way we think?  How do we define what is good and what is bad?  What is love?

So there is my answer.  I don't have an answer.  Because to me, love can't be defined yet.  And that... that is just fine.

Life

And once again my heart is broken.  You know, I’m only 19 years old and I have been through so much already.  Most people my age and even older, haven’t been through what I have and probably won’t.  I’m just sick of all of this.  You might say all I do is complain and things like that, but if you knew what I had to do and see, you would see my side and understand. 

Right now, she is sitting with her friends and having fun.  Laughing it up and enjoying life.  Me?  I’m here trying to be happy and smile.  But you don’t know how hard it is.  I want to be happy.  That’s the saddest thing.  I want to but I can’t.  My heart won’t let me.  It’s like I lost everything and everyone. I am empty. 

They tell me to let it go and give it time.  Do you understand that it isn’t that easy to let it go?  Just let it go.  Yeah I wish I could.  Truth is that before I met her, I was about to give up.  I didn’t know what else to do and I was tired of it all.  Then we met and everything just changed.  My world turned upside down in a good way.  I finally found hope again.  My heart was filled with joy.  I know we didn’t get together for another four years, but I don’t know, I guess deep inside I knew I’d have you and that made things just okay, you know?  I mean, I could be happy and be with people because it didn’t matter what happened, deep inside I knew you were thinking about me too.  But now it is different.  Now that I lost you, I’m back to what I was before.  I don’t know if you are thinking about me.  I don’t know what you want.  I don’t know if you ever will want me again.  And sure people might think it is silly, they will tell me I can find someone else, and that everything will be okay.  Whether they are right or not, I can’t stand it any longer.  I don’t have happiness in my life any longer.  I don’t have a reason to smile or to laugh.  It’s weird to think, but you were everything to me.  And it’s even weirder to think that I’m not everything to you. 

I just want to have someone to turn to during moments like this.  I want to share my history and experiences.  But I don’t have what most of you do.  I don’t have “God” because “God” disappointed me too much.  I don’t deserve any of this and I’m tired of having everything go wrong in my life.  Every time I find something happy and start to stand up, life throws another punch and makes me fall down again.  Yeah I like to fail and fall down to make myself a better person; I’m just tired of not having enough time to stand up.  Falling down teaches me how to do better next time, but if I’m already on the ground then why do I keep on getting knocked out?  I can’t go any lower and I can’t suffer anymore.  Just give me some time to be happy.  I’m sick of faking a smile.  I want to smile for real.  I want to be happy for real.  I haven’t done anything wrong in this life.  If you know me, you know I’m a kind person.  Yeah sure I can be a really mean person, but you know damn well I will apologize.  I grew up knowing that apologizing is the best way to make things better.  You know, I never hated anyone in my life.  I never did anything bad against anyone, yet here I am.

I just want a break from everything.  I want someone to love me for who I am.  I don’t want to wait, but I guess I will have to.  It’s miserable to think and it’s even harder to wait.  Because yeah time heals, but it also brings memories back.  I remember being with you every time I could and doing everything I could to treat you like a little princess.  And your family.  They were amazing to me.  Yeah I love my family, don’t think I don’t because I do.  I know at the end of the day, if I wanted and needed to talk to anyone, my family would be there and will be there and I love them.  But your family was so special to me.  They opened their arms open and let me in.  They didn’t need to.  They just did it.  They are good people and I miss them.  Because when you loved me, I knew they did too.  And it’s sad because all at once I lost my best friend, a girlfriend, and a family.  It’s just too much.  It’s too much to handle right now. 

And I get it, you don’t want us anymore.  You are living your life and changing your life.  It’s time for change and that’s exactly what you got.  You got change and got what you wanted.  I’m not blaming you because I can’t.  It isn’t your fault.  It’s just very unfortunate that this had to happen.  I could be here calling you selfish and calling you names and being really mad.  I could ask for all my things back and hurt you really bad.  But I’m not.  I can’t.  I’m different and you know it is true.  So instead of hurting and complaining I want to say thank you.  Obviously, you were so much to me and made me so happy.  You made my heart smile.  I know it’s cheesy but it’s true.  For once in my life, I knew what true happiness was.  And I thank you for that.  Thank you for showing me what life can be like.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am. 

I guess what I’m asking for is my life back.  I don’t know whom I need to ask.  I don’t know if it is you or I or “god.”  I honestly just want to be happy and I deserve do be happy.  I need to be happy.  Please.