Life

And once again my heart is broken.  You know, I’m only 19 years old and I have been through so much already.  Most people my age and even older, haven’t been through what I have and probably won’t.  I’m just sick of all of this.  You might say all I do is complain and things like that, but if you knew what I had to do and see, you would see my side and understand. 

Right now, she is sitting with her friends and having fun.  Laughing it up and enjoying life.  Me?  I’m here trying to be happy and smile.  But you don’t know how hard it is.  I want to be happy.  That’s the saddest thing.  I want to but I can’t.  My heart won’t let me.  It’s like I lost everything and everyone. I am empty. 

They tell me to let it go and give it time.  Do you understand that it isn’t that easy to let it go?  Just let it go.  Yeah I wish I could.  Truth is that before I met her, I was about to give up.  I didn’t know what else to do and I was tired of it all.  Then we met and everything just changed.  My world turned upside down in a good way.  I finally found hope again.  My heart was filled with joy.  I know we didn’t get together for another four years, but I don’t know, I guess deep inside I knew I’d have you and that made things just okay, you know?  I mean, I could be happy and be with people because it didn’t matter what happened, deep inside I knew you were thinking about me too.  But now it is different.  Now that I lost you, I’m back to what I was before.  I don’t know if you are thinking about me.  I don’t know what you want.  I don’t know if you ever will want me again.  And sure people might think it is silly, they will tell me I can find someone else, and that everything will be okay.  Whether they are right or not, I can’t stand it any longer.  I don’t have happiness in my life any longer.  I don’t have a reason to smile or to laugh.  It’s weird to think, but you were everything to me.  And it’s even weirder to think that I’m not everything to you. 

I just want to have someone to turn to during moments like this.  I want to share my history and experiences.  But I don’t have what most of you do.  I don’t have “God” because “God” disappointed me too much.  I don’t deserve any of this and I’m tired of having everything go wrong in my life.  Every time I find something happy and start to stand up, life throws another punch and makes me fall down again.  Yeah I like to fail and fall down to make myself a better person; I’m just tired of not having enough time to stand up.  Falling down teaches me how to do better next time, but if I’m already on the ground then why do I keep on getting knocked out?  I can’t go any lower and I can’t suffer anymore.  Just give me some time to be happy.  I’m sick of faking a smile.  I want to smile for real.  I want to be happy for real.  I haven’t done anything wrong in this life.  If you know me, you know I’m a kind person.  Yeah sure I can be a really mean person, but you know damn well I will apologize.  I grew up knowing that apologizing is the best way to make things better.  You know, I never hated anyone in my life.  I never did anything bad against anyone, yet here I am.

I just want a break from everything.  I want someone to love me for who I am.  I don’t want to wait, but I guess I will have to.  It’s miserable to think and it’s even harder to wait.  Because yeah time heals, but it also brings memories back.  I remember being with you every time I could and doing everything I could to treat you like a little princess.  And your family.  They were amazing to me.  Yeah I love my family, don’t think I don’t because I do.  I know at the end of the day, if I wanted and needed to talk to anyone, my family would be there and will be there and I love them.  But your family was so special to me.  They opened their arms open and let me in.  They didn’t need to.  They just did it.  They are good people and I miss them.  Because when you loved me, I knew they did too.  And it’s sad because all at once I lost my best friend, a girlfriend, and a family.  It’s just too much.  It’s too much to handle right now. 

And I get it, you don’t want us anymore.  You are living your life and changing your life.  It’s time for change and that’s exactly what you got.  You got change and got what you wanted.  I’m not blaming you because I can’t.  It isn’t your fault.  It’s just very unfortunate that this had to happen.  I could be here calling you selfish and calling you names and being really mad.  I could ask for all my things back and hurt you really bad.  But I’m not.  I can’t.  I’m different and you know it is true.  So instead of hurting and complaining I want to say thank you.  Obviously, you were so much to me and made me so happy.  You made my heart smile.  I know it’s cheesy but it’s true.  For once in my life, I knew what true happiness was.  And I thank you for that.  Thank you for showing me what life can be like.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am. 

I guess what I’m asking for is my life back.  I don’t know whom I need to ask.  I don’t know if it is you or I or “god.”  I honestly just want to be happy and I deserve do be happy.  I need to be happy.  Please.