Another tough night

I met this amazing girl over a year ago.  She cared and liked me as much as I liked her.  We had a great thing going for a while.  Problem is my past caught up to me.  I don’t like bringing up the past but when it hurts me so much everyday, it is hard to not.  I have been hurt so many times before and I couldn’t afford to be hurt again.  My heart just can’t take it.  So after we started dating, I got scared.  What if she hurts me as much as the last one did?  So I started doubting myself and doubting our relationship.  Before it got too serious, I talked to her and said we couldn’t date anymore because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.  You see, I liked her and wanted to be with her, but what if that changed and I liked her too much and she hurt me?  At the same time she got out of a relationship the worst way possible.  She was hurt too and had her own insecurities.  Truth is, I also didn’t want to hurt her.  So we were on and off for almost a year. Hey, I admit, I wasn’t the best boyfriend in the world with her.  I didn’t treat her the best way possible.  On the other hand, I wasn’t a monster.  Sure I yelled a few times and got mad over little things, but if you knew what I went through before, you’d understand my mood swings.

I’m not trying to make excuses here; I’m just trying to show my side.  But anyways, we were on and off for a while.  And as much as she won’t admit, we had some great times together too.  After a few mistakes I made, nothing too serious, we decided not to talk for a while and see what happens.  Of course that didn’t last too long because we liked each other a lot.  So we restarted talking again.  We both knew, however, that we couldn’t keep on doing this forever: it was either break off or fix everything.  One night I texted her “what are you doing tonight?”  And she quickly answered “nothing.”  I wanted to make things right.  So I asked her to hang out.  She said she had friends over.  I got upset because if you wanted to work things out, or even end it, you’d talk to me.  Well anyways, I was on my way home from a nice movie with some buds, and called her.  She didn’t answer and said she’d call me later.  What most people don’t understand here is that when you like someone so much and they say “later” that kills you.  Anxiety became a huge problem by then.  I freak out because all I wanted was to talk to her.  I texted her over and over again.

Since she wouldn’t answer I had a brilliant idea of driving to her apartment and wait there to talk to her.  So when I got there, I texted her “Hey I’m outside your apartment, come down here and talk to me for FIVE minutes.”  She read the text and didn’t answer it.  Once again that didn’t help the anxiety attack.  Of course it just made it worst.  So I did what any desperate person would do on desperate times: waited in my car, texted her a million times and called her a million times too.  All I wanted was to talk to her for a few minutes and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.  Now I get her side.  I made mistakes and she was sick of it.  She was getting hurt too.  She didn’t want to talk to me anymore.  But one thing she never understood is that I’m not just random guy she met the week before.  We were at this for almost a year.  I had the right to be there and I had the right to be spoken to.  Even if she didn’t want anything to do with me.  We were at this for over a year!

That night was a tough night.  After she rejected talking to me and after I stayed there waiting for her for over two hours, her roommate came down and said she’d call the police if I didn’t leave.  That got me so angry.  Are you serious???  The police?  I mean I get that I texted her and called her a million times, but the police?  Is that really necessary?  So shortly after I said I wouldn’t leave until she came down to talk to me or just answered her phone, I sat in my car and finally thought “is this really worth it?”  So I backed up and left.

The police came.  Oh yes they called the police.  The police called me and I didn’t answer.  At this time I was going to a friend’s house to see if I could calm down.  I texted her “I’m really sorry, all I wanted to do was talk to you.”  She followed it with a text saying, “Wanna call back and give the police your side of the story?”  This upsets me today still.  It makes me angry.  But whatever.  I called back and gave my story.  The police made her file a complaint on me.  Told me I couldn’t talk to her again or I’d get in trouble.  And that’s that.  Not that big of a deal.

The worst thing about the whole situation was the fact that all I wanted to do was talk.  Like seriously, she needed to face her problems and stop hiding away from everything.  I get that she didn’t want to talk to me, but it was something so simple.  It could have ended everything so fast.  So for a few days, I couldn’t talk to her or contact her.  My heart felt broken again.  Her friends called me psycho.  Called me crazy.  Called me names and even threated me.  They made me feel so bad about myself.

For a few days, I tried understanding it.  Am I really crazy?  Just a psycho ex? So I went to search for a few answers.  I talked to my friends and got their opinion.  At the same time I talked to a few of her friends and got their opinion.  What surprised me the most wasn’t that my friends were on my side because they are my friends.  What really surprised me was that her friends were on my side.  Everyone said that they were out of line and dramatic. Regardless of what anyone said, I was still hurt and mostly because all I wanted to do was talk to her and apologize. I couldn’t. She wouldn’t let me.

Eventually she finally texted me and let me talk to her.  Well actually she let me text her.  I didn’t think that was fair.  It doesn’t matter what I say in a text it won’t ever be the same as talking to someone.  But she wouldn’t let me call.  So I texted her everything I needed.  I apologized for my mistakes but also made it clear that it wasn’t just me.  I told her how much I like her and wanted to make things right.  She, of course, wouldn’t listen to me and told me we couldn’t talk for now.

That was that.  No more texting.  I thought I would be okay and much better after texting her.  Truth is I will never be okay until the day she lets me talk to her like grown-ups.  Everyday since then was a hard day.  I miss her every single day because we used to talk everyday.  I kept on trying but nothing would work.  She was “done.”  It’s sad she won’t hear what I have to say.  It’s sad I have lost self-respect over someone that doesn’t care.  And that sucks.

Self-respect is the most important thing one has.  My dad always told me that and I understand, but with her, I can’t stop making that mistake.  I seem to not care about it.  All I want to do is talk to her. 

After a while, my birthday came.  She didn’t even text me “happy birthday.”  Nothing. 

It is important to note that her close friend is also my roommate.  Guy said he was my “friend.”  In my opinion, if you are in a situation like this, in between everything, you try to help both sides.  Now you tell me how have you helped me this time?  You can be as dramatic as you want.  You can say because of my past I have been struggling lately and I need help.  You can say I have mood swings and you are sick of it.  I get it man.  I had a tough year.  Are there things I need to work on?  Absolutely.  Is it as bad as you keep on saying?  I don’t know.  That’s more up to you.  Did I bring this on myself?  No.  In fact, that’s the worst thing a “friend” can possibly say.  If you are my friend and I’m not being a good friend, then help me.  Don’t just say I need help.  Okay I get that.  Help me get help and be patient.  You have your problems and I never criticized you for them.  I guess that’s what separates us.

Anyways, it was my birthday and all I wanted was to talk to her.  My roommate said he would try to get her to talk to me but she wouldn’t do it.  Finally he told me I could leave her a voice mail… Okay fine.  I left her a voice mail.  It is still not the same as talking but I guess it is better than nothing.  I left her a voice mail but I still felt like I needed to do something else since I couldn’t talk to her.  What other brilliant idea did I have?  I sent her flowers.  BUT I sent it to her house and not her apartment.  Listen, I know maybe her parents would get it instead of her, but if I sent her flowers to her apartment she wouldn’t take them.  Her friends would probably throw it away.  So I thought by sending to her house it was the best idea.

I sent her flowers and that was not a good idea.  Her friends yelled at me and told me to leave her alone.

Do you guys understand my side?  As much as I like her, she is being very selfish.  They say I’m being selfish for not respecting her and not respecting the fact she doesn’t want to talk to me.  But I don’t think I’m being selfish.  I understand she doesn’t want anything to do with me.  But talking about it and letting me move on, that’s not selfish of me.  At least I don’t think so…

So things got a lot better and I stopped talking to her for a few days.  There isn’t a point on texting her if she won’t even listen.  So this time I actually let it alone.

Everything was okay until last night.  I went out with a few friends and when I got back, my roommate was sleeping on the couch because we are in the process of moving.  I wanted to go out by the porch and didn’t want to wake him up so I tried getting in his room so I could cut through his room and get to the porch, so I wouldn’t wake him up.  His door was locked and I thought that was odd.  So when I got to the porch I wondered why the door was locked.  I had a feeling in my heart she would be there.  I opened his bedroom porch door and sure enough.  She was there sleeping by herself.  After everything I went through I had my chance to talk to her.  I came in and we started talking for a little bit.

Of course, my roommate woke up and freaked out.  We got into a little fight because I wouldn’t leave his room.  ALL I WANTED WAS TO TALK TO HER and that was finally happening until that guy stopped it.

After that they both left and he texted me saying he isn’t my friend anymore and I brought that on myself. Blah blah blah.

What I still worry every single day is about her. 

When it came down to drop our egos and put everything to the side, she wouldn’t do it.  She still hides away from her problems and refuses to talk to me.  But when I saw her last night I saw on those eyes that she still cares.

So hey, if you are reading this, remember that I’m not asking for another chance right now.  I’m not asking you to take me back. All I’m asking is for you to put your friends to the side for a second.  Don’t be scared of talking to me.  Let me talk to you.  Let me do what I need to do to move on.  I’m not asking for much.  All I’m asking is for you to talk to me for a few minutes.  That’s all I ever wanted.  Thank you.