A question with no answer

What should we talk about today? anyone?  come on.  anything.  just scream out words i don't care.  No no.  Not inappropriate things. it's too early for that.  No.  Not my family either. Love? okay love.  What is love anyways?  With so many people reading this, from many different places and so many different ages, am i even allowed to answer this? am I old enough?  too young?  Truth is, "what is love" is a question with no answer.  It changes from person to person.  It may have different forms too.  But i will try to  give my definition of love:

First I'd like to say that at least in my world, love has different forms.

Because of that, I can't agree with people that don't know what love is or what it feels like.  You have parents don't you? Even if you don't you always had something that you loved when you were a kid.  I don't know. A Tv show, or a toy, or food.  Point is, that love isn't something new to me and to most people. It's the form of love that changes.  For example, I love my family.  I love them.  At the same time, my heart doesn't jump every time I see them.  I'm not super excited every time I get to see them.  But I love them anyways.  Hmmm.  It doesn't feel any different.  Weird.  So that makes me question things.  Do I really love my family and "love" is just a normal feeling? When I find someone to "love" will that feeling go away?  Or are those different forms of love? I believe so.

Another form of love is what most of us really call "love." "I love you." "I love her." What does that really mean?  Like I said, I can't define "love," and I don't think anyone can.  But I THINK I was in love.  This time, my heart did jump every single time i saw her. It's like it created a face and started to smile.  It created legs and started to jump.  I can try to explain it in many ways, but the point is, I was really happy every time.  The smallest things made me smile.  Everything was great, and if something bad happened, hey that is okay because I had her.  Love songs finally made sense, and so did life.  I was living my life and everything was just.. right.  She seemed more beautiful every day.  We seemed  more perfect every second we spent together.  Just great.  Absolutely great.

But that also made me question things.  First, that "love" felt way different than the first "love." Why? Second, we aren't together anymore.  But my life is still alright.  Love songs still make sense.  Was I really in "love?"  And most importantly, is there a difference between "loving" and "being in love?"

The way I see it, that's what life is all about.  It's not about making money and having things - obviously it is great to have money and things - but about answering questions and understanding our behaviors.  Why do we do things the way we do?  Why do we think the way we think?  How do we define what is good and what is bad?  What is love?

So there is my answer.  I don't have an answer.  Because to me, love can't be defined yet.  And that... that is just fine.

Life

And once again my heart is broken.  You know, I’m only 19 years old and I have been through so much already.  Most people my age and even older, haven’t been through what I have and probably won’t.  I’m just sick of all of this.  You might say all I do is complain and things like that, but if you knew what I had to do and see, you would see my side and understand. 

Right now, she is sitting with her friends and having fun.  Laughing it up and enjoying life.  Me?  I’m here trying to be happy and smile.  But you don’t know how hard it is.  I want to be happy.  That’s the saddest thing.  I want to but I can’t.  My heart won’t let me.  It’s like I lost everything and everyone. I am empty. 

They tell me to let it go and give it time.  Do you understand that it isn’t that easy to let it go?  Just let it go.  Yeah I wish I could.  Truth is that before I met her, I was about to give up.  I didn’t know what else to do and I was tired of it all.  Then we met and everything just changed.  My world turned upside down in a good way.  I finally found hope again.  My heart was filled with joy.  I know we didn’t get together for another four years, but I don’t know, I guess deep inside I knew I’d have you and that made things just okay, you know?  I mean, I could be happy and be with people because it didn’t matter what happened, deep inside I knew you were thinking about me too.  But now it is different.  Now that I lost you, I’m back to what I was before.  I don’t know if you are thinking about me.  I don’t know what you want.  I don’t know if you ever will want me again.  And sure people might think it is silly, they will tell me I can find someone else, and that everything will be okay.  Whether they are right or not, I can’t stand it any longer.  I don’t have happiness in my life any longer.  I don’t have a reason to smile or to laugh.  It’s weird to think, but you were everything to me.  And it’s even weirder to think that I’m not everything to you. 

I just want to have someone to turn to during moments like this.  I want to share my history and experiences.  But I don’t have what most of you do.  I don’t have “God” because “God” disappointed me too much.  I don’t deserve any of this and I’m tired of having everything go wrong in my life.  Every time I find something happy and start to stand up, life throws another punch and makes me fall down again.  Yeah I like to fail and fall down to make myself a better person; I’m just tired of not having enough time to stand up.  Falling down teaches me how to do better next time, but if I’m already on the ground then why do I keep on getting knocked out?  I can’t go any lower and I can’t suffer anymore.  Just give me some time to be happy.  I’m sick of faking a smile.  I want to smile for real.  I want to be happy for real.  I haven’t done anything wrong in this life.  If you know me, you know I’m a kind person.  Yeah sure I can be a really mean person, but you know damn well I will apologize.  I grew up knowing that apologizing is the best way to make things better.  You know, I never hated anyone in my life.  I never did anything bad against anyone, yet here I am.

I just want a break from everything.  I want someone to love me for who I am.  I don’t want to wait, but I guess I will have to.  It’s miserable to think and it’s even harder to wait.  Because yeah time heals, but it also brings memories back.  I remember being with you every time I could and doing everything I could to treat you like a little princess.  And your family.  They were amazing to me.  Yeah I love my family, don’t think I don’t because I do.  I know at the end of the day, if I wanted and needed to talk to anyone, my family would be there and will be there and I love them.  But your family was so special to me.  They opened their arms open and let me in.  They didn’t need to.  They just did it.  They are good people and I miss them.  Because when you loved me, I knew they did too.  And it’s sad because all at once I lost my best friend, a girlfriend, and a family.  It’s just too much.  It’s too much to handle right now. 

And I get it, you don’t want us anymore.  You are living your life and changing your life.  It’s time for change and that’s exactly what you got.  You got change and got what you wanted.  I’m not blaming you because I can’t.  It isn’t your fault.  It’s just very unfortunate that this had to happen.  I could be here calling you selfish and calling you names and being really mad.  I could ask for all my things back and hurt you really bad.  But I’m not.  I can’t.  I’m different and you know it is true.  So instead of hurting and complaining I want to say thank you.  Obviously, you were so much to me and made me so happy.  You made my heart smile.  I know it’s cheesy but it’s true.  For once in my life, I knew what true happiness was.  And I thank you for that.  Thank you for showing me what life can be like.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am. 

I guess what I’m asking for is my life back.  I don’t know whom I need to ask.  I don’t know if it is you or I or “god.”  I honestly just want to be happy and I deserve do be happy.  I need to be happy.  Please.

The truth

“Don’t lie to yourself.”  That’s one important thing I heard this summer from my dad.  When he said it, we were talking about changing colleges and the reason I’m changing colleges.  My parents don’t care why I change; they just want the best for me, as long as I don’t lie to myself. So here we go:

Yeah I’m changing colleges to be closer to you.  That’s the main reason why.  I need to stop making excuses.  While the new college is great and is around a phenomenal environment, that’s not the main reason I’m moving.  I’m moving because of you.  I’m sick of being far away from you.  That’s why I’m changing college.  Another thing I’m sick of is people telling me not to change colleges because of her.  “Don’t do it.”  “It’s not a good idea.”  “What if it doesn’t work?”  I’ll tell you if it doesn’t work - since as a society we always like to think about the worst the can happen – here it is I’ll give it to you:

The absolutely worst thing that can happen is we breaking up.  There I said it.  It is out.  Okay we break up, and I will be sad for a while.  Maybe a little sad, but most likely very sad for a long time.  Okay… so what?  I mean, I’m not trying to make our relationship seem less than what it is, because it is much more than what words can describe.  I truly love you and love our relationship.  But lets say we break up.  Okay?  We are done and we are very sad.  My world isn’t done.  What do people think?  That I won’t want to study at that particular school anymore because we aren’t together?  Because that’s not true at all.  Like I said, I will be sad.  But life eventually goes on.  I will get over it and will keep studying there for as long as I have to.  Just because I am going there for you, doesn’t mean I have to leave because of you if we break up.  That’s it.  That’s the worst that can happen if things don’t work out.

Now of course, people don’t like to think about this, but what if it DOES work?  Obviously people don’t like love stories and happy ending, because if they did, we wouldn’t have movies like we have today or the news.  Anyways, if this works, wouldn’t it be the best decision I ever made in my life?  I mean I would have you, a good education, and a good start to my life.  Isn’t that much more simple than thinking it won’t work out?  I like to think so.  I also like to think it will work out.  Because like most things in my life, I will believe it and I will live it.  Not trying to be cheesy here, but if I put it in my mind, then why wouldn’t it work? 

Everyone is different and I respect that.  So respect my decision.  Just because it didn’t work for many people, doesn’t mean it won’t work for me – for us.  I’m just living my life here man.  I’m trying to make the best decisions for myself.  No, I’m not trying to go against everyone else, like most teenagers, and do the complete opposite of what people tell me.  I thought about it all.  I didn’t make any decisions in three seconds.  I think.  I thought about it.  And this time, it just happened to be the complete opposite of what people told me.  That doesn’t mean it is a bad idea.  It doesn’t mean it is a good idea.  It just means I’m taking this path.  It means I want to learn by myself.  It means I’m not lying to myself anymore.  I’m doing this for you.  I’m not ashamed of saying it.  It is for you.  It is for us.  And if it doesn’t work out, well at least I tried.  But if it depends on me, it will work out.  Because I love you.

I truly do.  If I didn’t my heart wouldn’t jump up every time I see you, and even after over a year, I wouldn’t smile every time we text or video chat.  Yeah I love you.  I love us.  That’s that. I’m not lying to myself anymore. I’m not lying to anyone anymore.  And if anyone has a problem with this, well, you can speak up.  Tell me what the problem is, but me?  I’m just living my life.  I will listen to you.  I will take your thoughts into consideration, but at the end of the day, I’m doing what is best for me.  Whatever that means.  It’s myself first.  It’s my life first. 

The eyes of a teenager

How did we get here?  What DID we do wrong?  How can we fix it?  I don’t remember much.  I can’t figure it out.  I remember having you by my side.  We had a great time, a great day.  And now?  Now we’re here separated from each other.  In a place we’re not meant to be.  Sure we try to talk.  We try to be sneaky and talk.  But it’s hard it’s difficult.  I understand we broke their trust.  We just threw it all away.  We worked so hard for it.  We worked so hard.  But what is it that we did wrong?  We didn’t commit murder.  We didn’t do drugs.  We didn’t drink and drive.  Why is this so wrong?  We broke their trust, I repeat.  Yes, that’s very important.  Without trust, there is no relationship.  So now you’re there.  I’m here.  We’re both wondering what we did to deserve this.  And now it becomes clearer.  In our eyes.  In the eye of a teenager, we didn’t do much wrong.  But parents?  They aren’t teens anymore.  Yes, they once were.  But not anymore.  Not anymore.  So yeah, in their eyes we did something terribly wrong.  And unfortunately, we need to take it from there.  We need to take it from their eyes.  Look at things how they look at it.  And in away, say goodbye to the teens years.  We must grow up.  We must show them we care.  Because we care.  I can see it in your eyes.  Every time we get a chance to Skype or see each other somehow. I see it in your eyes.  They aren’t just the green eyes I'm used to see everyday.  They are much more than that.  They look for answers.  They look for someone to say everything will be okay.  And everything will be okay.   The question here is how, and what path to take.  Give up?  Sure, that would be the easiest way out.  Just say sorry and leave.  That’d work out for both of us.  I will not be sad anymore, and you wont have problems with your parents anymore.  I asked myself many times.  Is it really worth it?  After all, she is leaving for school next year and we’ll be faraway.  Why not just, leave?  And here is the answer:  I can’t just leave.  I just can’t.  Because more than my girlfriend, you’re my best friend.  You’re the only one who understands me.  The only one who feels the same things I feel.  Thinks the same things I think about.  The only one who loves me for who I am.  This is why I will not leave.  This is why taking the harder why is the best solution here. I don’t want to do this all over again.  I don’t want to wait for someone else.  Simply because I have you.  We have each other.  That’s why I’m still here.  Because if I can’t do this, then what can I do?  What can I go through?  We both need to show each other how strong we can be.  How strong love can be.  This is it.  If we’re meant to be (yeah we’re young, but why not?), this will work out.  We will do the best we can to stay together.  And we will.  We will end up together.  I can tell.  I can see it in us.  So doesn’t matter what happens, I’m here, as you are there for me.  And I love that in us.  I love that doesn’t matter what, we are there for each other.  Sure it will be hard, it will hurt.  But I rather suffer with you than be miserable without you.