And once again my heart is broken. You know, I’m only 19 years old and I have
been through so much already. Most
people my age and even older, haven’t been through what I have and probably
won’t. I’m just sick of all of this. You might say all I do is complain and things
like that, but if you knew what I had to do and see, you would see my side and
understand.
Right now, she is sitting with her friends and having
fun. Laughing it up and enjoying
life. Me? I’m here trying to be happy and smile. But you don’t know how hard it is. I want to be happy. That’s the saddest thing. I want to but I can’t. My heart won’t let me. It’s like I lost everything and everyone. I
am empty.
They tell me to let it go and give it time. Do you understand that it isn’t that easy to
let it go? Just let it go. Yeah I wish I could. Truth is that before I met her, I was about
to give up. I didn’t know what else to
do and I was tired of it all. Then we
met and everything just changed. My
world turned upside down in a good way.
I finally found hope again. My
heart was filled with joy. I know we
didn’t get together for another four years, but I don’t know, I guess deep
inside I knew I’d have you and that made things just okay, you know? I mean, I could be happy and be with people
because it didn’t matter what happened, deep inside I knew you were thinking
about me too. But now it is
different. Now that I lost you, I’m back
to what I was before. I don’t know if
you are thinking about me. I don’t know
what you want. I don’t know if you ever
will want me again. And sure people
might think it is silly, they will tell me I can find someone else, and that
everything will be okay. Whether they
are right or not, I can’t stand it any longer.
I don’t have happiness in my life any longer. I don’t have a reason to smile or to
laugh. It’s weird to think, but you were
everything to me. And it’s even weirder
to think that I’m not everything to you.
I just want to have someone to turn to during moments like
this. I want to share my history and
experiences. But I don’t have what most
of you do. I don’t have “God” because “God”
disappointed me too much. I don’t
deserve any of this and I’m tired of having everything go wrong in my life. Every time I find something happy and start to
stand up, life throws another punch and makes me fall down again. Yeah I like to fail and fall down to make
myself a better person; I’m just tired of not having enough time to stand
up. Falling down teaches me how to do
better next time, but if I’m already on the ground then why do I keep on
getting knocked out? I can’t go any
lower and I can’t suffer anymore. Just
give me some time to be happy. I’m sick
of faking a smile. I want to smile for
real. I want to be happy for real. I haven’t done anything wrong in this
life. If you know me, you know I’m a
kind person. Yeah sure I can be a really
mean person, but you know damn well I will apologize. I grew up knowing that apologizing is the
best way to make things better. You
know, I never hated anyone in my life. I
never did anything bad against anyone, yet here I am.
I just want a break from everything. I want someone to love me for who I am. I don’t want to wait, but I guess I will have
to. It’s miserable to think and it’s
even harder to wait. Because yeah time
heals, but it also brings memories back.
I remember being with you every time I could and doing everything I could
to treat you like a little princess. And
your family. They were amazing to
me. Yeah I love my family, don’t think I
don’t because I do. I know at the end of
the day, if I wanted and needed to talk to anyone, my family would be there and
will be there and I love them. But your
family was so special to me. They opened
their arms open and let me in. They
didn’t need to. They just did it. They are good people and I miss them. Because when you loved me, I knew they did
too. And it’s sad because all at once I
lost my best friend, a girlfriend, and a family. It’s just too much. It’s too much to handle right now.
And I get it, you don’t want us anymore. You are living your life and changing your
life. It’s time for change and that’s
exactly what you got. You got change and
got what you wanted. I’m not blaming you
because I can’t. It isn’t your
fault. It’s just very unfortunate that
this had to happen. I could be here
calling you selfish and calling you names and being really mad. I could ask for all my things back and hurt
you really bad. But I’m not. I can’t.
I’m different and you know it is true.
So instead of hurting and complaining I want to say thank you. Obviously, you were so much to me and made me
so happy. You made my heart smile. I know it’s cheesy but it’s true. For once in my life, I knew what true
happiness was. And I thank you for
that. Thank you for showing me what life
can be like. Thank you for accepting me
for who I am.
I guess what I’m asking for is my life back. I don’t know whom I need to ask. I don’t know if it is you or I or “god.” I honestly just want to be happy and I
deserve do be happy. I need to be
happy. Please.
