Let's talk

I was asked today to describe myself.  Who are you? Tell me about you.  I want to know exactly what kind of person you are.  And I thought about it for a while… I mean what does this person really want to hear?  The truth?  Or should I say what I know they want to hear?

Oh Yeah, you know, I’m a great guy.  I’m very considerable and caring.  I’m sweet and smart.  I’m good-looking and just amazing.  I want to hear about all your problems and I want to help you find a solution.  Sit down, let’s talk!

No. Truth is, I’m an asshole, man.  I don’t give a shit about your problems, because guess what?  We all have problems.  Sure I’ll sit down and listen to you talk, but if you want my opinion and my help, you’ll get the truth.  None of that lying crap.  I’m the type of guy that if a girl asks me “Do I look fat in this dress?” and she does, I’ll say, “Yes.”  I’m sorry, but if you’re asking my feedback, I’ll give it to you.  And if that makes me a bad person, so be it.  But I’m honest.

I’m a man.  I do care and do take things into consideration.  I can be sweet and smart.  Oh and by the way, I’m not good-looking. I’m fucking excellent looking.  See that confidence?  Yeah I got that too.  Some people mistakenly think I’m cocky.  No I’m not.  If I’m not good at something I’ll straight up say it.  But if I am, I’ll brag about it.  I will make sure you know I’m great.

I’m just another person with a fucked up past.  What a funny thing.  The past.  It’s supposed to stay in the past, they say.  You’re supposed to live for today and leave the past behind.  Well, you fucking try it.  My past hunts me everyday.  I’m not ashamed of it.  I’m not being a victim here.  I’m just being honest.

Yeah I have anger issues sometimes.  I do overthink.  I do get attached to people too easily.  So fucking what?!  I’m a normal person, aren’t I?  If anything, I’m a better person than most people.  You see, most people wouldn’t be alive if they had a past like mine.  They wouldn’t be able to function.  They wouldn’t be where I am in life.

But sure that sucks.  Do you know how many friendships and relationships I ruined because of my “temper?”  Do you know how many people I hurt with my honest comments?  Yeah I get it.  Sometimes things should never be said.  But when the moment comes, and the heart is beating, and your face is heating, you just spit it out.  You don’t think about consequences.  Who you hurt, or what you say isn’t in your mind.  You know why?  Because you’re a human.  I am competitive and I want to win every single argument.  Even when I know I can’t.  Even when I know I’m not right.  Oh and by the way, I’m always right.

I judge people all the time.  What is she wearing?  Why is his hair so messed up? God, you’re so ugly.  Yeah I do.  I’m not lying.  I’m a human.  We all judge.  And if you say you don’t, I call BULLSHIT on that one. Yes you do.  You know you do.  We all do.

What I’m asking for?  That’s simple.  I want someone to help me be better.  Of course sometimes it hurts me being so “mean” to other people.  I can’t help it.  You wouldn’t get it.  I want someone to tell me I’m right, even when they know I’m not.  You got my back?  Good because I got yours.  Feed my confidence bubble.  I need it.  Tell me how good I look and how good I am.  Give me hugs.  Understand that sometimes when I say I’m okay, I’m really not. (Oh and if you’re reading this thinking that only girls do that, shut up.  Guys are the same way)

Understand that I have had my problems in life.  I don’t mean any harm to you.  Even when I say horrible things.  When I apologize, I mean it.  If I don’t, then I don’t think I should be saying sorry. 

Yes, yes, I get it.  Everything isn’t about me.  But sometimes I like to think that everything is about me.  Give me that once in a while.  I’m needy.  You know that. 

But I can be the sweetest person in the world too.  I have a feeling in my heart sometimes, that I need to tell you about.  It makes me so happy when I tell someone they look good.  I t makes my heart bounce so fast when I give compliments and make someone’s day!  It’s awesome!  I love giving things to people.  You are in need? Ask me. I got your back. You got mine.

But don’t try to take advantage of me.  I can smell bullshit from a mile away.

I know when you’re lying.

See there are a lot of things I could say to that question.  Who am I?  Every single day I learn more.  I learn what I want in life and who can help me throughout this amazing journey.  I learn what people like.  And most importantly, everyday I learn that everyone has a secret.  Everyone has something they are ashamed of.  Everyone went through bad times.  And that helps me.  Helps me understand that I’m not alone out here.

So that’s that.  This is who I am.  The whole truth so far. This is my life.  Any takers?

Just a dream

His eyes were itchy, his mouth watering, and his body was relaxed.  He was losing the grip on reality. His mind was wondering. There was no focus.  Nothing to make him stay here.  He knew he had to go.  He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay. He had things to do.  Things to say. Be he just couldn’t do it.  It was that time.  Time to go.

And all of the sudden he sees her. She’s reaching for him.  Trying to grab his hands, but there isn’t enough time, and she being pulled away.  Pulled away by a force that is stronger than anything he ever felt.  Something new.  And he couldn’t do anything about it.  As she’s leaving he starts thinking about her.  Thinking about their time together.  He goes back to the first day they met.  He still remembers it like it was yesterday.  The day was bright and the sun was just about to go away.  It was a hot summer day.  He needed to get out.  He was done with everything.  He just needed to get away.  He went to the park.  The bench was facing the ocean.  He sat there.  Put his head down and started to think.  He looked up and saw the birds flying.  He started to think about it.  How do they fly?  Why is it that they can and we can’t?  He started to swing his arms up and down like he had a wing.  Started to make the bird noises.  But he couldn’t fly. So he sat down again.  Back to the same bench as before.  He relaxed his legs and put his arms on top of his head and as he looked up to the sky he saw her on the corner of his eyes.  He remembers it very well.  She was by herself.  Short jeans shorts. A long blue/grey shirt that covered her shorts almost fully.  And of course the pink sandals.  But what made his heart really smile was the way she looked at him.  Her strawberry blonde hair moving along with the wind like the angels were playing the song of the heavens.  Her blue/grey eyes matched her beautiful pale face.  And those lips… it was hell on earth.  He just looked.  Stared.  Didn’t even move a muscle.  His heart skipped a beat.  Literally everything stopped.  The worse part is that he didn’t notice he was staring.  For being a girl, she was kind of nice.  Most girls would have had done that disgusted face and walked away.  Maybe even call him a creep.  But not her.  She was different.  She wasn’t like any other girl you see everyday.  She had a warm heart and an inviting personality.  Instead, she smiled. She smiled and waited for him to make a move.  So he did.  He got up and smiled back.  He knew he had to introduce himself.  Let her know that he was interested.  As he was introducing himself, a strong wind blew.  The wind got even harder by the second, and as he was making his moves, the wind started to take her away.  She floated through the ocean and left him. He doesn’t quite remember that part so well.  He felt to his knees and started to cry.   By that time it was dark.  Real dark.  The moon didn’t come out that night.  Everything was dark.  No light. Nothing at all.   

So he went home.  He took his car and drove home. No music. No radio.  Nothing.  He just wanted to leave.  He had that feeling of leaving since a long time.  Most people told him he shouldn’t feel that way.  He had a great family and great friends.  Why feel that way?  He had everything he wanted there, they said.  He did have some money, a job, friends, school, a house and a loving family.  But his heart was truly empty.  He knew that he would have to leave eventually.  He needed to find that girl again.  He knew he would never be completed without her.

He didn’t know how to start, or where to go.  After all, he was just a regular guy.  He went to a nice high school and got regular grades.  He never was outstanding and never was better than anyone else.  He was always average. And that was okay.  No one complained about it.  But inside, he knew, he could be better than average.  He didn’t want people telling him he could be better.  He was sick of people telling him what to do, or what he could do.  He wanted to be by himself.  Learn by himself.  He always had dreams, but never really tried to achieve them.  Nothing really made him get up and do it.  And that was okay.

Not this time.  He didn’t want to put this dream to the side.  He knew that finding her was the only way to start his life and complete other goals.  He was driving home still, right by the beach, and he decided to go.  So he went and he left.  He went away from everything and everyone.  Yeah he felt bad for his family and friends, but it’s something he had to do for himself.  Not anybody else.  So he followed his heart and drove away to the south.  He had no clue where she was, or where he could find her.  But he knew that she had to eventually come back to him.  She was the one.  The one of his dreams.  So he drove.  He drove far.  Drove until he had to stop.  He had to sleep. So he stopped at a parking lot. Lowered his car seats. And fell asleep.  He fell asleep with a smile, because he knew what was coming to him.  She finally came.  This time, she just appeared.  She was wearing a red dress that made her skin whiter.  He liked that.  He liked it because it went so well with her hair.  It matched her.  Her lips were the same.  Red hot.  Waiting for him to join her.  She reached for his hand.  And he went along.  He was set to have the best time of his life.

            He finally grabbed her hand. He wanted to go with her. He wanted to be with her.  She was the inspiration he needed.  They walked away.  Walked to a near beach.  They sat down by the sand and relaxed a little.  He was telling her about him.  He told her everything about him and asked questions about her.  She responded and smiled.  They were having a great time.  They enjoyed being with each other.  They completed each other’s empty spots on their hearts.  None of them could believe it.  It had finally happened.  After such a long wait.  They were united and happy.  So it came the time to stand up.  Stand up and kiss.  The final stamp to their love.  Something to finally seal it.  Something that would make them walk away together forever.  He knew that with that kiss, he was starting his life.  He would be able to follow his dreams.  Be successful.  Be superior.  Finally standout in front of everybody.  They understood that.  So they got up.  He held her hand tight.  They looked at each other.  The sand was moving along with the waves.  The birds were still flying around.  The stars were bright.  And the moon finally came out.  Big and bright.  That was it.  That was the moment they were waiting for.  Face to face.  They were ready for it.  So he looked at her, and she looked at him.  They both smiled.  They got closer and closer.  Every second seemed to go by slower and slower.  His heart was jumping around.  It couldn’t contain itself.  It was like it was reaching for its match too.  After all, they finally could complete the rest of the heart.  He was ready to burn from those hot lips.  He wanted that more than anything.  Her lips were next to his, and they were about to kiss.  It’s like time stopped. And just like that the girl went away.  Just like that.  Poof.  She was gone.

            At the same time, he woke up.  He woke up from his dreams.  He realized nothing was real, nothing but one thing: the girl.  He didn’t know anything about her.  Didn’t know where she was from.  Maybe a mile away, maybe over a thousand.  But he knew she existed.  He knew that everything happened for a reason.  So for him, just dreaming about her was enough.  It was enough to make him want to dream again.  It was enough to make him be more than just average.  He now wanted to be better.  He wanted to win and shine.  Because it didn’t matter what happened in life from that moment on, he knew, that she was real.  And eventually he would find her.  But for now, she was nothing but a dream.